Does being a parent mean being an asshole?

I was at a party yesterday in the sun, standing around a table of chips and candy and fruit. The party was mostly people from work and then a few friends of the hosts from their neighborhood. I chatted with whomever, I felt tired, happy to be in the sun, happy to watch Byrd crawl, to talk with anyone or no one. There was a woman, LM, who runs the lab I work in. I say hello, and apologize for last week, I dont think it is a big deal, my apology is more of a greating. She takes her time to answer, tells me that she is really angry. I apologize and try for an explanation. She tells me she felt very disrespected. I want to leave the party. I dont have energy for this tension. I want to say, how could you expect me to keep track of anything. Or, dont you realize I cant remember anything. Or, dont you realize I am not 100%. Or, dont you realize how sleep deprived I am. Or, cut my some slack. Or, do you really expect more from me right now. Or, I dont have daycare and I am just trying to get work done as best I can.


I had the appointment to meet her at 1pm last thursday, a colleague I am trying to finish a paper with called and said he would be driving through town on the way back from field work and could he stop by to talk things over. He said he was in a rush and it would be brief. He thought he would make it around 1:30. He lives 2000 miles away. So I call LM and explain, she says no problem. Long story short, I start meeting with LM, colleague calls, I go meet him downstairs, the meeting ends up taking two hours, LM now has to go to department seminar. I sent her a text message and later an email. I did not hear back. She had told me, "no problem, I have hours of work to do."

Do parents get extra slack? Doesnt everyone have an excuse, something going on in their life? Do I really deserve more. Sitting in the sun, now feeling a bit of a knot in my gut, LM still at the food table, me avoiding her, also not wanting to seem like I am having too good of a time while she is angry at me, I wonder if I feel too sorry for myself. Why should I feel sorry? I have a wonderful baby. I have a wonderful partner. I love being a mother, I am in awe of watching a small human grow. It is the best thing that ever happened to me. Life is no longer arbitrary, I am with baby or not with baby, and in each case there are things that need to be done. So why do I feel sorry for myself? Is it trying to be more than just a parent? Is it the juggle? Will I now be an asshole, self consumed by my own needs and sense of importance?

I wrote LM a card to send in the mail. How else do you make your apologies clear? I am still asking myself if I feel too sorry for myself and whether I am going to have to let go and be an asshole sometimes. Like I let go and let the house be messy. Or let go and not do things perfectly.