The feeling of the lone Mama

At the start of this staying with the babe during the day I was terrified. I was petrified of the potential isolation, of sitting at home not having adult conversation. I had a turning point when I realized what I called loneliness had a lot more to do with uncertainty and discomfort with the unknown future. I had a slow build up to a turning point I can not pin down in time where I shook the stress of graduate school. After having family here for almost two weeks it has been great to be alone and to have time to work when Byrd sleeps. Or to sleep when the baby sleeps. I have been lusting for time to work, time to write, time to finish graduate school threads that are still dangling over me.

Today I had baby&Mama group, friends from a class, not exactly friends since we are just getting to know each other, but the hope of friends. There is a special sanity to being with other mamas. Though I feel nervous with them, in part since I want them to be my friends, in part because I am at the younger end (thirty seems now to be a young mom), and probably mostly because I am the most hippie dippie and transient, we don't have a house, we don't have permanent jobs, we don't live in a suburb, we don't have nice furniture, we don't use formula, we don't use disposable diapers. When I am with them I realize my feet are dirty from being outside in sandals. Today someone pointed out how nice everyone's toes were, how her polish had worn off. I made a note to throw on socks next time.

I was excited to see these women and their babies I have seen go from laying in arms only to sitting up on their own. I wanted to talk nothing but parent talk: sleep, naps, diapers, nursing, day care, husbands. I wanted to just listen to all this, to watch this new planet go round. Byrd was happy and playful in then in seconds was crying ready to sleep. I left quickly. He was asleep in the car in seconds and I felt so lonely. I did not want to go home and work while he sleeps. I did not want to think of what else to do with the day. I did not feel excited for time. I just wanted to sit on the floor with these beautiful women and their beautiful babies and soak up this whole parenting thing externally, to take it out of my head and see it. I felt a great regret, I felt left out as I drove home, Byrd fast asleep. I thought of circling back and carrying him in. I thought of how I could have just held him in my arms and he would have fallen asleep, how I could have sat on the coach and held him. I got nervous and jumped out of their as fast as possible. All the nerves from not seeing these new friends for a couple weeks and sensing how different I am.