love

I have not known how to close emails with my mother. the mother who bore me and who I lived with until i was five. The mother who was always angry. The mother who told my siblings in what order she thought we fell for intelligence. I was not near the top. The mother who told us our father was a horrible person even though he actually raised us. And on and on and on. On the phone too, I dont know how to close off, what to say to end things. I close off with love to my mother in law, i appreciate parts of her, truly, but I cant stand her overall. So why not just say it to my mom. I test myself, what if she dies suddenly? What would I feel. I try to guilt myself into admitting love or try out contrast to see if I can make something budge inside me. When I was pregnant I found neutral territory with my mom over our bodies. Her body a sort of guide to what my own might be like. Her care for my physical well being was aggressive almost. Confusing. Somehow I now just sign off with love because it is simple. I dont know exactly what I mean by it, but if I use it I dont have to question why in the same way as if I dont use it.