Ghosts

Dear Byrd,
I dreamt about your Great Grandma Frances, she died when you were three weeks old. I knew she was close to the end and I wanted to take you to see her, for her to see you. I was not well then and you were so small. Dad and I looked up plane tickets, in the end we realized you would not be allowed in the hospital where she was. My mother was so surprised when she died. I was sad, but there was too much else going on to focus. I remember thinking, it does not matter if I grieve today because I will be grieving forever.
My dream was not sad or scarry, Grandma's ghost was in her house, we saw her and talked to her. She was delighted. Alex slept at her house and when I asked if she had heard any funny sounds she said, yes, there had been all kinds of ghosts coming and going all night. All friendly. I dont remember the rest.
Grandma always made sure I absolutely knew that she loved me, that she thought I was wonderful and amazing, that she thought I was beautiful and charismatic. I hope that we can make you feel this way about yourself.
Love,
Mom

Academics

Dear Byrd,
I was racing to finish. Racing to publish, get a job, set up a lab, and then have you. I did not feel very good about this since jobs are hard to come by, especially for two people in one geographic location. I have heard things like, "If you just work hard enough" or "you have to be willing to live separately for a period of time. It will be good because you will get a lot of work done." or, "One of you will have to take a more supportive role, only one of you can really do this." The US economy also crashed last year. I have felt a lot of graduate school in my gut, a sick feeling, like a baseball just landed in the pit of my stomach. I have lain awake at night worrying. I have run or swum or walked to try and work the sick feeling out of me. I have thought I was just not cut out for this kind of work and then thought 'maybe if I start to meditate." I hope that once I am free of graduate school everything will be different. In graduate school there are a series of people who have power over me. It can feel like I am an insect at the tip of their needle. There is little oversight or standards to how these professors treat students. It is as if one part of graduate school is proving my ability to to navigate bad personalities and terror, along with the parts of graduate school where I figure out acquiring grant funds, conducting research, and following through on projects.
When I realized how out of breath I was, really burned out, when my animal self began to snort and kick its heels, when my Dad tried to assuage my stress with the idea that 'you just have to bet on yourself', and when I realized that I was very good at what I do I decided that betting on myself allowed for making decisions that hope or assume other things will fall into place. Or that making decisions about my family life or my animal self could not all be based on my academic life. We decided to have you.
I continue to do battle with what feels like huge investment into a narrow path. I stress about interacting with the powers over me. I worry about jobs and the future. I worry about making time for you. I worry about making time for myself. I worry about giving myself opportunity to do creative work as well as pursue academic interests. I worry about being loud and aggressive. I worry that if I am not loud and aggressive I will not make it far as a woman in the sciences. I worry about getting out from the powers over me and how I will find peers to work with. I worry about how to set up and run a lab. I worry about choosing lines of inquiry that will be lucky and of interest to others. I worry about burn out. I worry about your Dad and how he will deal with all of this.
Love,
Mom

I forgot all about my breasts

Dear Love,
You are at Grandma's today, your Dad is working at the University, I am writing at home. I went out to Savers to look for cute glass jars to use for gifts. It is a lovely day. I am drinking iced matcha, the story I am working on is fun and moving along, the characters acting the story out in my mind, just ahead of my fingers typing them into action. I had salad at 1pm and realized I have not pumped! I forgot! I did not even feel my breasts getting so heavy, my nipples popping out, becoming smaller as the breasts fill out around them. I forgot I am making milk. It has been 5 hours. I dont know if I feel guilty? stupid?
Even though my breasts did not hurt when they were full after I pump I feel sick, I feel like I have been bled.
I think I need more sleep. Dad has been having a rough time and I try to get up with you and shelter his sleep.
Love,
Mom

daycare

Dear Byrd,
I start back at work in December, I feel good about this, I dont want us to sit at home watching each other all day. I like working, I like using my brain and heart and time in different ways. I was asking a lactation consultant about weaning at a year or earlier and had to pinch myself to keep from crying. So I guess I have mixed emotions.
We sent a form into the University daycare a couple of months ago. I called to see what the waiting list looks like and they said, "It looks like we just received your form a couple months ago, the wait is at least one to two years, even three sometimes." We only knew we had jobs here a couple of months ago. How will we find you daycare from a distance? I feel a little defeated. I had fantasies about walking across campus to have lunch with you.
Love,
Mom

What you eat

Dear Bryrd,
I was comparing notes with other mothers about starting solid foods. No one seemed to think rice cereal was very good. You seem pretty indifferent. I said I thought it taste like breast milk, just like melted ice cream. The other Moms were like, what? you tasted it. One said she was grossed out when the dog licked milk off her baby.
Love,
Mom

What we did today

Dear Byrd,

We met other moms and babies out in the sunshine and talked parent talk. There was an eight month old baby who reached for you and cried when I pulled you away. When I brought you close to his outstretched arms he would grab a hold of your ears like they were handles. You alternately smiled and gazed out into middle distance. I was afraid to put sunblock on and have you lick or nibble it off, I have an awful red patch on my back, something I need to figure out better. I just cant cover up completely, I get so hot, and when I am hot I get faint.

I didnt know if anyone would come, but they did!!! There were five moms I have never met before, and three I knew (one other mom emailed later that her baby was sleeping so long she didnt want to wake him - I wake Byrd for getting out of the house events, meeting new moms is like gold - mainly for sanity and getting out of my own head about naps, solid foods, etc.

You were so ready to sleep, and it is impossible to get you to sleep with so much excitement. I knew you would fall back asleep in the stoller, the car was only a few minutes away, but I walked for about an hour and a half to let you get a good nap in. It was hot and I was sweaty. And messy. I had organized the event and was a little nervous or excited. I sat on my bag of grapes and did not even realize until later that my butt was all wet. Another mom told me how she pees herself when she runs, now I wonder if she thought I had peed myself, at least no judgment there.

I stopped in Sebastian Joe's homemade ice cream shop to pee, washing my face off with cold water made me fresh again. I walked you to Lake of the Isle's. The weather was perfect blue sky, but windy. Severe thunderstorms and tornados are moving across the Great Plains and into Minnesota tonight. On the lake, out of the protection of houses and big elm and oak trees the wind was harsh, small branches were strewn about on the path. The winds are out of the south and at the north end of the lake water was piling up. I knew the storms were hours off, but I did not want to get too far from our car. I imagined what I would do if the storms started, I imagined running up onto a big porch, we were in a neighborhood of mansions. If I rang a doorbell with your sweet smile and lovely face I am sure someone would let us in. I imagined sitting with my knees up, holding you in place at my breast, gusts of water blowing onto us, lightning crackling. Would you be scared? Or excited?

It was hot, I ran out of water, my body felt tired. I wanted to seek shade on someone's porch. I made my way with you back to the car and past it to a park with an arbor. You woke up a few moments after I stopped walking and we played on the brick under the arbor. You laughed when the wind picked up. I dont think you liked the texture of bricks on your bare feet. You held your arms out to the stroller and I brought you back home. It was lovely in the shade of the arbor. I lay on my back and looked up at the little windows of bright lights shining through vines and leaves. The winds were exciting. I am excited for the storms to come.

You are asleep now in your room in your swing. I am hoping you go more than forty minutes and find enough rest in your nap.

Love,
Mom

Days with Grandma

Dear Byrd,
Today you are at Grandma's. I have some "real" work to do, but I am putting it off until this whole not working no salary feel sinks in. I am working on a short story. It feels really good to just do that. I am focused most of the time. I sit out on our porch and eat a sandwich. I contemplate going to a cafe, riding my bike, walking somewhere. Time away from you makes me more able to focus on you when we are together. Sometimes when there is no break in sight I never really just play with you. I take you jogging, I feed you, I set you up with toys while I experiment with egg whites and making pavlovas, or citrus curds, or frittatas. I try to do things and you get antsy. When I see you with your Grandma I am inspired. She is so focused on you, the two of you are like conspirators, laughing and playing.
I remember when you first came home with us and I was so worried about feeding you enough you had lost so much weight so quickly after you were born. I was afraid of dropping you. I was weak from hemorrhaging after you were born and afraid I would fall over. I had dreams about blood and showering with my midwife in blood. I cried at the thought of anything and sat blank watching you in between thinking. It was below zero outside and I could not move around much. Our next door neighbor came over and laid you out, she was laughing, exclaiming. I wished I could feel so happy, so light. I loved you more than anything, I was so moved to be your mom, but I felt all the fear and terror of this. She waved your arms and legs around and I realized that I had no idea how to play with you. Watching you with others is a good reminder to lighten up, to enjoy this, that even if it is a miracle that knocks you to your knees you cant actually proceed that way.
I am going to take the bus to the river and then run to campus to pick up the car and go pick you up. I cant wait to see you.
Love,
Mom

From farm to kitchen

Dear Byrd,
Yesterday we went strawberry picking. Even though it is summer it was cold and drizzling. I put you in your fuzzy bear suit, it is the cutest thing, but also ridiculous looking when you get fussy and cry. It is like crying at a party, your beautiful complexion set off by the white fur, the little ears on the hood, and your bottom limp hanging out, your eyes squeezed shut.
We went with a good baker friend, she and I have been planning to bake together for a while. I carried you on my front, zipped a rain coat over you. You seemed unaware of the rain even as it increased and everyone around us was taking shelter. We saw old ladies with knee pads picking boxes and boxes of berries, we saw whole families. I used your blue plastic toy bucket for the berries. I was starving. You are eating so much so often we started giving you solids this past weekend. Sometimes I feel like you are sucking me dry, I eat a lot of cream, I crave foods that will definitely fill me, I dread the sick feeling of hunger, it comes like a beast. It makes me feel faint. I have almost fainted a few times. I have a horrible phobia now of fainting. If I think of it, I stuff almonds into my pockets before leaving the house.
The kids running the berry picking were hiding under the white pines for shelter, we did not last long, we each had picked about 4 pounds. We drove back to the baker's apartment. She is married to an artist and their home is clean and interesting. They have indoor compost with thin red worms, there is a picture of the leaned back heads of three women with long hair, there are lots of polaroids propped up on shelves. There are lots of antique dressers and desks. The baker collects pieces of rusty metal and has a bowl of avocado seeds on the table. She showed me moss she had pulled out of sidewalk cracks to grow indoors. I wish I had known she wanted moss, I could have picked it for her. She always gives me so much I search for opportunities to give her something. Her and her husband are thinking of having a baby next year. He came over to you and said, "lets test your grip reflex," and put his finger into your fists, you grabbed it. He asked how you liked coffee. We all made faces at you and smiled at you, I kept handing you toys you dropped while we cooked the strawberries down with sugar, mixed them with gelatin, folded this mix into whip cream and then poured it onto a thin layer of cake, placed a piece of cake on top and poured more. You were bored. You got tired. I was proud when you fell asleep arms free with your lion on the floor of their guest room. We had laid two layers of thick blankets down for you.
The cake was beautiful, we decorated it with a thin layer of strawberry puree and gelatin, then baby kale leaves and sliced berries. I knew how excited your Dad would be to eat it later. The baker is allergic to dairy, it was her idea to make this cake, so she had me take the whole thing home. I never know what to make of food allergies, I am embarrassed when others make food with things she is allergic to, I hold back from eating cheesy things when she is there, I want to show my solidarity. But she always offers me foods off limits for her. And it has taken a while to figure out what she is allergic to, I have been the one to bring a main dish that she cant touch. It makes me cringe to think about.
Love,
Mom

What we did today

Dear Byrd,
Today I started working on my creative writing works, sort of breathing life back into this part of me after finishing the dissertation. Dad and you lay on the floor and cooed at each other. When Dad went to work I took you for a run. Along Lake Harriet I saw turtles, giant turtles sticking their heads up. It was a rainy gray day, cool enough for sweaters. Three small children ran up to us and showed me the fish they had caught, they looked like pieces of a torn up truck tire. We met Dad at a going away party for a friend. You are asleep now with your lion friend. I am going to wash up and join you. I am so sleepy.
All my love,
Mom

How I take care of you

Dear Byrd,
When I take care of you, I take care of your whole body. You are so small and your body functions so intengrated across your skin that when you cough your whole body moves, when you smile your whole body wiggles, when you nurse you use your whole body. I reach out to touch you and stroke the length of you, hold all of you against my chest, kiss your hands and feet and belly and head.
Love,
Mom

To learn we must first develop vocabulary

Dear Byrd,

You are learning about the world largely by exploring with your mouth. You have a language of textures, flavors, temperatures, durability, familiarity. Learning to be a parent I have acquired a whole new set of words that allow me to think and talk and listen. During pregnancy there were medical and anatomical words: dilate, ripen, cervix, eface, induce, episiotomy, quickening. Now there are coupled descriptor and noun pairings: miracle blanket, attachment parenting, double diaper, cloth diaper, disposable diaper, jogging stroller, bike trailer, sore nipples, sleep schedules, supervised crying, focal feeding, self soothing, inappropriate sleep habits. And then the singular cute words: nook, binkie, pacie, onsie, footie, romper.

When I am with nonparents these words rise up in my throat and I have to keep swallowing them back down. With other parents we skip stones with these words, we pull them out like trinkets to share and admire, trade ideas back and forth: "I lay him down and walk out of the room and he falls asleep, its amazing." "I left him there screaming, sat outside the room and timed it. Twenty minutes. The next time it was...pause...twenty minutes, it has not gotten shorter, but he is always so happy to see me after his nap." "We let him cry, but keep going in to reassure him everything is OK." " We play white noise for him, we actually need it now ourselves to fall asleep."

With a new language we have the opportunity to become a new person. I feel like I have melted and spread from a standing person into a landscape, my body laid out on the floor for you to crawl on, my day laid out to keep you company while you place things in your mouth and then drop them, and find them, and place them in your mouth. I am fascinated by the simplicity of your language. I finally understand my own habit of sticking pens in my mouth, wanting to smoke or chew or drink or eat continually. I never realized that it is a part of our development to derive comfort and experience, the first type of self soothing we find, from sucking. Finally, I understand why we kiss, our mouths are wet, damp places to exchange love and initiate intimacy. Why not rub smooth bellies or comb each other's hair? But it is through the mouth that we first learn about the world.

I look forward to feeding you, to providing my body, I take pride in eating a diversity of colors and a balance of fresh foods. I am feeding you my kingdom, drop by drop, my milk fountaneous and bursting. You are my garden to tend.

Love,

Mom

October camping trip

Planning, we are unsure how long you will be happy in the car...

I would like to see Zion National Park, Utah, carlsbad cavern new mexico

Plan I

From here to Sonoma county is 33 hours: four eight hour days of driving. That is a lot of car seat time! Then hang out in Redwoods, Big Sur, etc...

parks near Sonoma are Big Sur and Yosemite (Joshua Tree if far south and redwoods far north

Plan II: http://maps.google.com/maps?q=sonoma%20county%20california&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&hl=en&tab=wl

Minneapolis -> Badlands 9 hours drive /510 miles

Badlands -> Rocky Mountain National Park: 8 hours/391 miles

Rocky Mountain -> Arches National Park: 386 miles, 7 hours

Arches -> Grand Canyon is 7 hours

Grand Canyon -> Santa Fe: 8 hours

Santa Fe -> Minneapolis: 20 hours

Plan III

Rent a car in Sonoma and drive back here.... ~ $2000 plus airfare out there from San Jose, about 1600 from LA

Places we might like to go:

1. Grand Canyon: ave temp in oct range from 64 to 36F

http://imwx.com/outlook/travel/vacationplanner/vacationclimatology/monthly/USAZ0088

2. Zion

3. Arches: 69 to 41

http://www.weather.com/outlook/recreation/outdoors/wxclimatology/monthly/graph/UTNPARCH:13

4. red woods: 73 - 40

http://www.weather.com/outlook/recreation/outdoors/wxclimatology/monthly/94063?locid=94063

Resources: http://wildmoments.wordpress.com/category/traveling-in-americas-national-parks/

Things I hope to do this summer

1. Design fabrics with patterns from microscopic nature (pollen, diatoms, etc): http://www.trueup.net/?p=5309

2. Get a set of camp gear together so it doesnt feel like there is so much inertia to find things, some ideas: sew a silverware holder that can be tied to a tree for things to dry...

3. Plan a month long camping trip:

Arches

Grand Canyon: http://www.nps.gov/grca/index.htm

Red Woods

Big Sur

what we do

Dear Byrd,

I am transition from working to not working. There are a lot of voices out there advocating rigid schedules and having babies nap in a crib at home, which would mean my being housebound. I want to participate in the world at a larger scale than our apartment. I want you to be flexible, to grow up to sleep anywhere anytime, or at least to not need earplugs and total darkness.

My idea is to have anchor points everyday that get us out of the house.

General daily plan:

6 to 7: We all wake up when you do...and Dad hangs with you until your first nap, around 8 or 9. During this time I work on creative projects.

10 or 11: You wake up from your nap and we play and have a snack, after about an hour when you seem ready to have more quiet time we go out for a run.

Afternoon: anchor point activity.

Some anchors:

1. Library on other side of the lake (good running destination), get fresh kid books and take out museum passes.

2. Museums

3. Zoo

4. Parent-baby class

5. Visit with friends

6. Life coaching session

7. Movie theatre for parent and baby

8. Community hang out centers: http://walkerart.org/openfield/ and http://parentingoasis.com/

9. beach

10. perfect the fritatta

11. creative writing group

12. Bake with my baker friend

How we got started

Dear Byrd,

Up until now my approach to life has been to run full speed ahead, try to make things happen, and then figure them out once I get there. I have been a lot of places and had the chance to do a lot of things. I have spent time on glaciers, in the tropics, climbed volcanoes, herded sheep, made cheese, shoveled cow manure, climbed on rooves to watch the stars, learned hindi, learned italian, gotten a PhD, fallen in love, shared stories with girlfriends, shared stories with Dad, committed to a life partnership with your Dad.

Maybe the most profound of all is the realization, when I married Dad, that it has to be about daily life. The exciting stand out experiences shaped me and allowed me to break habits and discover how colorful the world is, how full life is. But not much is worth what you get at the end of the climb. Really it is the climb. In my mid twenties I wanted to be a great scientist explorer, to travel to remote places where I would be without electricity or water and collect samples of the natural world that would help us work out the puzzle of Earth, life on Earth, and the evolution of both. I am still on that path, but my sense of devoting myself to work, the element of proving myself as a woman in science, as the youngest in a family of alpha personalities, as a someone who didnt think of themselves as much growing up - that element is still there, but now there are so many other things I want. Daily peace and calm, enjoying life, seeing what is around me, building and growing this new family, and my art. When Dad and I got married I realized that I would blame him and our marriage if I didnt like my life so I had better start doing the things I wanted to do. I have been writing fiction and non fiction since I could write. My mind spills over onto paper, ideas drop out of the sky into my head and either I ignore them or I write them and let them grow. I started trying to build commitment to my writing then, trying to be who I want so that our marriage works and grows.

You are four and a half months now, it was a year ago that we found out we were pregnant. I wanted you in an animal way I could not explain. At some point I realized I was not racing ahead to produce the most academic publications so that I would be the greatest scientist ever, but I was racing to get to the point where I thought I could have children. I thought I need a tenure-track faculty job (your Dad too) and for that to happen I had to be really really good. Academic jobs are tricky, there are a lot of researchers in the purgatory of nonpermanent jobs where they continually have to find grant funding. When I realized I was rushing to have you I stopped and the animal part of me took over. When Dad and I talked about whether we should wait or not we could not make a decision with our rational minds, we talked in circles, neither of us leaning one way or the other. And then we let our bodies decide.

I am in complete awe of you, and I have been since the idea of you first surfaced, since hearing your heartbeat the first time, since feeling you move inside me, since you came out of me and we first saw you.
Love,
Mom