Days with Grandma

Dear Byrd,
Today you are at Grandma's. I have some "real" work to do, but I am putting it off until this whole not working no salary feel sinks in. I am working on a short story. It feels really good to just do that. I am focused most of the time. I sit out on our porch and eat a sandwich. I contemplate going to a cafe, riding my bike, walking somewhere. Time away from you makes me more able to focus on you when we are together. Sometimes when there is no break in sight I never really just play with you. I take you jogging, I feed you, I set you up with toys while I experiment with egg whites and making pavlovas, or citrus curds, or frittatas. I try to do things and you get antsy. When I see you with your Grandma I am inspired. She is so focused on you, the two of you are like conspirators, laughing and playing.
I remember when you first came home with us and I was so worried about feeding you enough you had lost so much weight so quickly after you were born. I was afraid of dropping you. I was weak from hemorrhaging after you were born and afraid I would fall over. I had dreams about blood and showering with my midwife in blood. I cried at the thought of anything and sat blank watching you in between thinking. It was below zero outside and I could not move around much. Our next door neighbor came over and laid you out, she was laughing, exclaiming. I wished I could feel so happy, so light. I loved you more than anything, I was so moved to be your mom, but I felt all the fear and terror of this. She waved your arms and legs around and I realized that I had no idea how to play with you. Watching you with others is a good reminder to lighten up, to enjoy this, that even if it is a miracle that knocks you to your knees you cant actually proceed that way.
I am going to take the bus to the river and then run to campus to pick up the car and go pick you up. I cant wait to see you.
Love,
Mom