New Mom Loneliness

Dear Byrd,
Dad is away for a few days. I miss him. There is though an unambiguity in terms of my time, I am taking care of you. When Dad is here we switch back and forth, though right now I do most of your care. But when he gets home at night I always feel torn. I want to drink wine on the porch with you both and hang out, but I can let Dad hang out with you and I can write or work on work.
You are napping at this moment so I can just write. Even when Dad is here I have a hard time shaking a sense of loneliness. Sometimes I can run it out with some good sun and blood pumping. Sometimes I can write it out. Sometimes I panic. In a panic I will email everyone I know and make so many plans that I drive myself to exhaustion. Today I could have had lunch with a friend at the University, but I decided to put it off to next week. I wanted to do our morning routine with writing while you nap and then running. I wonder if I will miss this free time when I start work in December.
What does it feel like? It feels like a gnawing in my core. It feels like a doubt about what I am doing with myself and my time. It feels like desperation. Today I thought this loneliness is not about being alone. I have a lot of social time and friends, and I have you with me all the time now. This loneliness is my name for uncertainty. The very uncomfortable feeling of flux. The feeling that we do not own a house so where we live is temporary. The feeling that we have new jobs we dont know what to expect from and they are only for two years and for sure not forever. The feeling that we are moving in a few months to only live somewhere for a short time. The worry that something could happen to you or to Dad and this life I think I am growing will be taken from me. This unbearable lightness of being.
I want a home and a place and a job and a routine. I want to think how my life is so boring, how for excitement we eat pancakes and walk in the woods. I want daily life that feels like it extends into infinity. But nothing is ever certain, life is always in flux, and so to deal with it I run, I make art, I read, I enjoy good times.
Love,
Mom