The stress of not working

Dear Byrd,
We spent a week with my parents. Their house is like a place you would pay to vacation, a huge lawn, beautiful garden plants, shade and sun, a great patio, amazing art. The house is huge, an old victorian, there are two staircases, three floors, an immense terrifying basement with 4 or 5 rooms. I think you will have a good time with hide-and-go-seek in their house. We also went to the beach for a couple of days. I cried when we left the beach the last morning. You were asleep in the moby carrier against my chest. You had laughed and laughed at the ocean and then fallen asleep hard. It felt so good, the wind blowing cold, the early morning light, the gulls, and you asleep on me, Dad walking along side me. I cried because I forget the smell, I forget the way the beach coats my skin with a layer of fine grit, sand and salt.
We landed back home in the morning, Dad thought about going in to the U to work. I felt panic like when I was still bleeding and torn and you were tiny and new and Dad went into work (at about two weeks postpartum). The panic of being left all alone, of the rivers of life flowing past and me not being part of it, of depression from being outside the world and not having structure (this fear has little basis, but when I was travelling years ago and got tired, after 6 months on the go, I forced myself up each morning at 7 even though I was exhausted, absolutely tired out). I wanted the whole family home, together. I felt fear about the next five months of not working, what will I do? How will you and I fill our days? What friends will we spend time with? Should we be satisfied to spend the days alone walking the city streets?
We had gotten up early, 3am our time, and I was tired, I laid down and slept for two hours and then the world had shifted ever so slightly and I did not mind anything. The next day I went to meet a mom and baby in the park, then ran an errand, and grocery shopped, I felt like I had the energy to fight dragons, I could run all day. At about 6pm I crashed. But this is the me I knew before. The me that runs and runs, the world is bright, things are moving and going and I am loud and laughing, and then I crash and need to lie down and read or sleep. I like this me. I like being up for thing after thing. When I was meeting with the life coach I said I wanted more peace. And I do. But not peace by sitting still. I like to do and make. I just want peace in my mind.
Love,
Mom