Touch

When I am stressed I want to be held, I want affection, and I want cream. Any form of cream: whip cream, ice cream, pudding, panna cotta. When I was pregnant Dad and I stopped cuddling, pregnant sex is so great, we had enough intimacy. Sometimes he would hold me and breathe slow, help me slow my breathing down. But then I wasnt pregnant and I wasnt physically well. And now we are out of the habit of affection, and juggling taking care of a baby. Dad is trying to finish his graduate work, he is stressed. He is irritable, which for him is barely audible, just a slight tick is visible, a slight twinge of short temper. When I was finishing I was flailing, I needed to talk out every day, I cried, I woke up in the night and woke Dad up. I got frustrated about the speed of cutting vegetables in the kitchen. I was unable to watch myself from a distance and let go. I was not graceful. It is hard to switch places so fast. I am supporter and I still want the affection and holding. But Dad is now a less graceful self and instead of turning to me, he turns inward, or looks to me for enjoying time instead of hashing out things over and over. Dad is far more graceful than I. I wish I was calm. That I just took note and acknowledged my reactions. I wish I didnt panic. I have day dreams about cuddling and holding hands. The physical relationship of nursing is sweet, but it does not take care of me or fill my need to also be nurtured.